It's aliveeeeee..... arr me hearties

I'm back, I'm alive, I've missed you all dear readers (or reader, or... mum, thanks for reading this). The last few months have been manic but I'm now working for a computer company named after a fruit (no, not Richard Simmons).
Today dear readers (reader, *sigh* mum) I wish to talk to you about 'Filesharing' *gasp* yup, that scourge of the internetz, that evil piracy that means hard working musicians sleep on the streets and Tom Cruise drives a Yugo (Google it). You've probably heard about it from the upright citizens at the RIAA and MPAA, those tireless heroes who work ceaselessly to keep those thieving little torrenters from releasing new media for the masses to share. Here in the UK these brave guys are being aided by companies like ACS:Law, Davenport Lyons and Tilly Bailey Irvine who send out letters to these evil web renegades and tell them to pay up for the untold agony they've caused the film and music industry. Their evidence for this is apparently flawless, so how could it be then that they are targeting pensioners, people who have never heard of Torrents and, in one case, a dead guy! Could it just possibly be that these law firms are not the righteous upholders of truth and justice but are actually ambulance chasing bastards who are hoping to make a fast buck from any way possible. Yes, it is. This speculative invoicing is now rife in the UK with the above companies being investigated for their practices, they are targeting people with no evidence other then an IP address, WHICH IS WORTHLESS. All over the world the music and film industries are bemoaning piracy, whilst making massive profits. Remember the 70's 'Home Taping Kills"? Didn't quite work out like that. Computer Game companies are introducing more archaic forms of DRM with the result of driving people, who would otherwise of been happy to pay, straight to the torrents sites. The crack down on file sharers is madness, money is still flooding into the creative industries (although often not to the artists themselves), file sharing is a great form of free advertising and there is no decent, up to date distribution and pricing structures for movies anyway, the industry being happy to sit on a decades old business model. Most importantly, there is no point in going after sharers if you are targeting the wrong people! This is a battle lost, the internet destroyed the old methods and the labels need to realise this. People do not see harm in sharing because there is very little damage actually done. Copyright law needs a massive overhaul to stop simply protecting big business, if I buy something then I own it, simple, and the right to do what the hell I want with it, be it share it with friends, burn it or show it a public gatherings and I refuse to line the MAFIAA's pockets anymore.

Unwanted, outsourced

Hell it's been a while since I've blogged but the bug has bitten once again. In the current worsening economic climate, where the £ is worth less then the Albanian Lek, I have been made redundant. Their loss entirely but unfortunately now I have to try and make some sort of income, and I dont really fancy standing on street corners turning tricks for sailors. The job pages are empty, the police are recruiting but that holds all the appeal of drinking turpentine, the army? no thanks unless I can join the womens auxiliary balloon core. Self employment seems to be the only real solution and as I recently became ordained online (Googled 'free ordaining online' and clicked Ordain Me) there are prospects here. A travelling priest for hire, a clergy of fortune for when you just need to have some holy water. So what if I'm an athiest, the way the world is going people should soon be turning to God in droves which is where I come in, license to preach. Everything going wrong? Need a word with the big fictional guy upstairs, then drop me a line and I'll send a (hastily cobbled together and not very official) prayer your way. It's either that or the sailors behind the dumpster.

Time to See the Light

I stumbled across this article recently and it got me thinking. Why do people actually let this kind of behaviour keep going? I personally have never experienced or seen workplace bullying but it seems to be common sense to nip it in the bud a.s.a.p. But what if it is your boss, the one person you could usually complain too, who is the bully. Time to make their life a living hell.

There are a few ways you can get back at someone who sees it as their role in life to make yours miserable. However, in this situation, laxatives in their coffee and superglue on the earpiece of their phone is unlikely to achieve the desired effect. So what can you do? Easy, time for a religious conversion. This way, as soon as someone treats you in a way that you feel the remotest bit undesirable then you can play the religious discrimination card, your boss would think twice about giving you shit if he thought he could end up on the front page of the tabloids labeled as some kind of bigot. It will also improve your working conditions in other ways. Choose a relatively well known but still fairly minor religion such as Buddhism and you are looking at a good number of days off for 'religious holidays'. How many holidays does a Buddhist have? I have no idea and I bet your boss doesn't either. He says no to the time off, where's that number for The Sun again? One of the few bonuses of a PC-gone-mad country like this is that people are absolutely terrified of offending/oppressing others so think big, small and destructive pranks are always fun but useless in a situation like this, time to head of to the temple of your choice and get worshiping. Due to the sheer number of religions around there is also ample opportunity for multiple conversions so always feel free to chop and change as necessity dictates, if anyone tries to pull you up on this and accuses you of faking your beliefs then simply state that you suffer from ADHD and have a syndrome that makes it impossible for you to be decisive, then vocally complain about how you are being persecuted for having this disability as well as your beliefs being mocked. With a bit of creativity you can make this run and run.

Dear Pre-written Letter Template

Agony Aunts, usually unqualified and the very fact that they are paid at all means that they're overpaid. So I'm going to offer my services for free, after all I too am completely unqualified to give advice on the myriad of problems that the general public seem to have so here goes, my all new 'Dear Pseudo'

Dear Pseudo

I'm not certain if my stepdaughter has had sex but she looks at me a lot, especially my genitals. Please give me some advice as she is like a closed book. Darren

Yeah right. This isn't Forum magazine so stop bragging. Is she over 16? Is she attractive? If you can answer yes to both questions then what is the problem? Or stop walking around naked so she can't look at your knackers.

Dear Pseudo

My mam is losing her job because me and my brother are always fighting and my nana won't mind us any more. I am really sad over this and I can't sleep or eat. What should I do? Lauren

Lauren, you should leave home as your mother will put you up for adoption. How will she feed and look after you without a job? She will end up turning tricks on the streets for sailors. She probably loves your brother more then you so you should go now before she sells you to a traveling freakshow.

Dear Pseudo

I have lately found myself in a deep state of depression, which nothing can shift, so I turned to the 'dark side' as some people call it, and later became 'emo'. I began to slit my wrists and try to commit suicide many times. ... until I met this boy at a club I go to every week. After a while, I fell madly in love with him. But the trouble is, he hardly knows I exist. He only talks to me if it's absolutely necessary. But I still love him. I think about him night and day. He finally makes me feels good about myself, even though he doesn't like me very much. I don't want to slit my wrists any more because of him. Now, after about 5 weeks of him not noticing me, his magic has begun to wear off. What do I do? Unloved4good

The dark side, you became a Sith Lord? Ah, no, emo, got ya. Don't worry, you are making a simple beginners mistake and one that is easy to rectify. Elbow to wrist is the only effective way, try Gillette blades, then you'll have no more problems. Don't do it for him, do it for yourself.

Dear Pseudo

I have been with my present boyfriend for 9 months now and we are yet to make love. My boyfriend is 35, has had one previous sexual partner and says he is nervous and 'inexperienced' in the bedroom. We have a very loving and attentive relationship - I love him to bits and I know he feels the same. Each time we have tried to make love he does get an erection. That's not the problem, but he doesn't seem to be able to keep it. As soon as things get a little heated he panics and loses his erection. The problem is not just affecting him, it's having a knock-on effect on me, and we both want to get this resolved quickly. Any advice? Wivany

Wivany, your partner is gay. Every time he's with you he's actually thinking of the postman, or Brad Pitt. Try waring a Brad mask in bed and things should improve no end. If that doesn't work then set him up with a gay friend, you'll be doing him a favor as I'm afraid you are never going to rock his boat. As a last ditch attempt you could try taking testosterone and growing a beard.

Living in Interesting Times

Why are the UK bothering to go to the Olympics? It's not as if we are actually going to win anything (except maybe the Curling). Our generally poor results in sport aside, should we really be supporting a country that has a human rights record so bad it makes half the Middle East look like a hippy heaven? Perhaps our beloved leader, Gordo, is unaware of the situation in Tibet. Maybe he is in the dark about the threats China have made to Taiwan should they refuse to come peacefully back under Chinese rule (hint: it doesn't involve a harsh letter). Or maybe he's just interested in the benefits he will gain by cosying up with the Beijing government and the expanding Chinese industrialists. France and Germany are threatening to boycott the games, good for them (never thought I'd say that). The Chinese aren't hosting the games out of the goodness of their hearts and their love of the international community (now there's a phrase I loathe, who is this international community?) They are doing it for cash, pure and simple, never have I been to a more money grabbing country then China, bastards tried to charge me the equivilent of £5 for a bloody postcard, and what grates more is that I nearly unwittingly paid it.
Oh well, we are supporting a totalitarian state with an unelected leader, a state where the Internet companies spy on their users and the authorities always know what is best for the general populace. I hear China's pretty bad as well.

Whoops

OK, well after my last post I've had a fatwah declared against me!!
Burning Effigy of the Unhappy Camper

Fitna

So liveleak have been forced to remove Fitna from their servers due to death threats from Muslims who don't like Islam being shown as a violent religion. Luckily Google are still hosting it here.
It's a documentary that really makes you think, a wake up call to Europe and Geert Wilders is a brave man indeed for having the bravery to make a film of this type, and good on Google for not pulling it (although you can hardly blame liveleak for doing so).
More then anything, Islam fears being shown as the violent, intolerant religion it is and the more films of this type that are made, the better. Instead of people wrongly thinking that Islam can co-exist with any other belief system it is time to wake up to the fact that Islam is here to conquer, nothing less. They want to dominate the world and the West needs to wake up to this.