Agony Aunts, usually unqualified and the very fact that they are paid at all means that they're overpaid. So I'm going to offer my services for free, after all I too am completely unqualified to give advice on the myriad of problems that the general public seem to have so here goes, my all new 'Dear Pseudo'
Dear Pseudo
I'm not certain if my stepdaughter has had sex but she looks at me a lot, especially my genitals. Please give me some advice as she is like a closed book. Darren
Yeah right. This isn't Forum magazine so stop bragging. Is she over 16? Is she attractive? If you can answer yes to both questions then what is the problem? Or stop walking around naked so she can't look at your knackers.
Dear Pseudo
My mam is losing her job because me and my brother are always fighting and my nana won't mind us any more. I am really sad over this and I can't sleep or eat. What should I do? Lauren
Lauren, you should leave home as your mother will put you up for adoption. How will she feed and look after you without a job? She will end up turning tricks on the streets for sailors. She probably loves your brother more then you so you should go now before she sells you to a traveling freakshow.
Dear Pseudo
I have lately found myself in a deep state of depression, which nothing can shift, so I turned to the 'dark side' as some people call it, and later became 'emo'. I began to slit my wrists and try to commit suicide many times. ... until I met this boy at a club I go to every week. After a while, I fell madly in love with him. But the trouble is, he hardly knows I exist. He only talks to me if it's absolutely necessary. But I still love him. I think about him night and day. He finally makes me feels good about myself, even though he doesn't like me very much. I don't want to slit my wrists any more because of him. Now, after about 5 weeks of him not noticing me, his magic has begun to wear off. What do I do? Unloved4good
The dark side, you became a Sith Lord? Ah, no, emo, got ya. Don't worry, you are making a simple beginners mistake and one that is easy to rectify. Elbow to wrist is the only effective way, try Gillette blades, then you'll have no more problems. Don't do it for him, do it for yourself.
Dear Pseudo
I have been with my present boyfriend for 9 months now and we are yet to make love. My boyfriend is 35, has had one previous sexual partner and says he is nervous and 'inexperienced' in the bedroom. We have a very loving and attentive relationship - I love him to bits and I know he feels the same. Each time we have tried to make love he does get an erection. That's not the problem, but he doesn't seem to be able to keep it. As soon as things get a little heated he panics and loses his erection. The problem is not just affecting him, it's having a knock-on effect on me, and we both want to get this resolved quickly. Any advice? Wivany
Wivany, your partner is gay. Every time he's with you he's actually thinking of the postman, or Brad Pitt. Try waring a Brad mask in bed and things should improve no end. If that doesn't work then set him up with a gay friend, you'll be doing him a favor as I'm afraid you are never going to rock his boat. As a last ditch attempt you could try taking testosterone and growing a beard.
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